One heck of a day

Fair warning, this is probably going to be all over the place and may not make sense in some places..


     My day started off like any other day today.  Did hardly anything during the day until the boys got home.  I helped them with their homework and listened to them argue all afternoon.  Made lasagna for dinner and then was out the door once Dan got home to go to my orientation class at the Chiropractor.  Pretty normal day..that is until I walked into the door after the class.  Dan was standing outside and asked me to walk out there so he could talk to me.  That's when it felt like the bottom was pulled out from under me and my heart broke.  You see, nothing means more to me than family.  I lost my father when I was 7 and to be quite honest I still can't cope with it well at all.  My Grandfather died almost 4 years ago and I was devastated then too.  Soon after he died we found out my Grandmother had cancer.  She spent about 2 years getting treatment and was then cancer free..that is until today.  The cancer is back.  She said last time that if it ever came back she was not going to seek treatment for it, and honestly who can blame her.  She is 81 years old and has had to endure things that were horrible.  She has buried two sons and a husband.  She worked extremely hard her entire life and has always been there for everyone.  This woman has always been a huge part of my life.  I look up to her so very much.  I hope that one day I can be half the woman she has been.  I feel like one she is gone that I will have lost the last tie I have to my dad.  My heart is breaking, knowing that she is suffering and there is nothing I can do about it at all.

     See, everyone keeps telling me that I need to immediately go to her and stay with her.  While I would love to do that, emotionally I just can't do it.  I know it seems selfish and like I'm only thinking of myself but thats not it at all.  I will go see her, but I just can't go for an extended period of time and I know she wouldn't want me to.  The boys are pretty devastated and so is Dan.  I just love her so much.  She has always been right there any time I ever needed her.  For my high school graduation she gave me the best gift I've ever been given.  I received a photo album full of memories of my father that I never would have gotten otherwise.  I will never be able to thank her for all that she has done for me, but I pray that she knows how much I love her and respect her.  She will always have an impact of just about every decision I make.  I honestly don't think I would be the person I am today had it not been for her.  She never let me talk bad about anyone, even my other grandmother that wasn't so nice.  They're just aren't many great women like her left in this world.  I love you Maw and I am who I am because of you!